Twitterings

@BorisJohnson You mean 🇷🇺, surely?
I can't believe I wrote my first proper song over a quarter of a century ago! It sounded a quarter of a century out… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
@MattHancock If you watch this video with the sound off, you can genuinely sense him whimpering "it rubs the lotion… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
@TrueFactsStated Seb seems quite a little precious princess! twitter.com/benfrancis/sta…
@tbiadvice @BudGothmog44 @realDonaldTrump @HarrisonFordLA Well, he's decorated orange and has done his best to comb… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Imagine how utterly shit the film would have been if Harrison Ford was Donald Trump in Air Force One. #HarrisonFordtwitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Hey, @SteveBrineMP. I received this crap about you "representing us" through my letterbox, despite having a notice… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
@TomBales1 Pretty much!
Gotta love it when 3-year-old archived footage gets up, lines up its trimming points & inserts itself perfectly int… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
@SassyGirlBoss Plastic twat, chinless twat, twat.
I'm 100% certain that this goober believes that having managed to get through reading just the title of this crock… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
@realDonaldTrump This is some spectacular repetitive yawn material. You should sell your Tweets to insomniacs. Trul… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
RT @benfrancis: If I DIDN'T have illegal Russian money littering my bank statements, showing that Putin had got me my job, soon after I pai…
People blindly supporting the @Conservatives and @BorisJohnson while simultaneously posting #RemembranceSunday Twee… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
@BorisJohnson ...and honouring them by acting as a simpering conduit for Russia to infiltrate our political system… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
If I DIDN'T have illegal Russian money littering my bank statements, showing that Putin had got me my job, soon aft… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
@jeffsessions Gloriously pathetic. youtu.be/bIZoVO8ZyyQ
There ain't nothing more transparent than a 400lb slab of orange lard, filled with a little more than 60 impacted c… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
The monumental fuck-up for the @GOP was adopting @realDonaldTrump as their own. Akin to a bunch of college frats… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
It's OK, as a father, if you get confused by the phrase "only wipe from front to back" when you're standing there w… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
If the child witnesses you perform the above action, maintains eye-contact and slowly spits in their palm and offer… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
If you give your child something to eat, it's OK when they spit it out, to eat it if you can't find somewhere else… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Sometimes you may put your child to bed after many hours of trying to entertain them, return to the living room & m… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Having fathered four children, I consider myself wise enough to impart these words of advice for dads with children… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
For someone so truly racist, this #Twat is truly colour-blind when it comes to dressing himself in the morning. Hue… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
I've just created the most amazing recipe for soupe au poulet à l’ancienne Américaine. Chopped up three-day-old KF… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
@MattHancock Someone telling you to go vigorously fuck yourself may well be considered as enthusiasm, agreed. Howev… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Sign the petition to insist BoЯis releases the intelligence report that shows how BЯexit was a largely illegal, Rus… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
@MattHancock Well done for getting up later than most and being chauffeured somewhere in the rain. Like that's news… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Just had a tight gripping feeling in my chest and a thundering pain down my left arm. Emergency services told me t… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
When a Sun headline writer joins Sky but, even given the remit of "more words", can't leave their old job behind. news.sky.com/story/general-…
@BorisJohnson That moment of abject horror & recognition of financial ruin as the producers at the first screening… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
That moment of abject horror & recognition of financial ruin as the producers at the first screening of the new Jam… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
BoЯis goes full TЯump. Look at those crowd sizes. Biggest crowd sizes in history. #Twat #BorisJohnsonLiestwitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Speaking after the procedure, Dr Redett said the team had "really replaced like with like. We looked at the defect… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
JOB OPPORTUNITY: One whistleblower required for urgent and critical matter of national security. Must not be in th… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
If, in the face of: @Jacob_Rees_Mogg saying people who died following fire-fighters' advice were stupid… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
In the last three years, the bastards in the Irony Department have really been taking the piss in showing: Law-make… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
That moment of sheer panic, stark realisation and desperate hopelessness as you wearily get out of bed, open the cu… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
I've got to hand it to Vlad Putin; just because you're a psychotic midget with major mummy issues, doesn't mean you… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Hung over? Moi?
c) grow up.
b) Saint Nicholas was Greek, so he's been slapped with a restriction on his freedom of movement into Little Britain… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
a) coming down chimneys has now been outlawed because it's not consensual for everyone (#MeToo)
3) you have 52 days of me ranting about Brexit and Trump left before Santa isn't allowed to come down your chimney because:
2) then there's a fucking general election
To all those in the UK celebrating the fact that Halloween is over and next is Christmas, may I point out that: 1) next is Bonfire Night

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