Twitterings

@Nigel_Farage I'm fairly certain you'll find the deal, currently being cut by your handlers and coven to rat you ou… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
@senatemajldr Nice try. As deflecting and hypocritical as saying all Democrats are corrupt, sniveling replicas of a… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Stan Lee, creator of all things Marvel died today. My eldest daughter actually cried. Stan Lee was 95. Freddie wa… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Browsing around my Twitter stats, it seems I may have posted some pretty offensive Tweets to dog-lovers over the fi… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
As much as @realDonaldTrump wants to be a dictator like Kim Jong Un, I sincerely doubt, unlike little fat Kimmy did… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
@tribelaw What?! Like, over three?
Arlene Foster and Theresa May, cordially putting on a united British front at the ceremonial wake of Brexit.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Why anyone would have any desire to own a gun was totally beyond my understanding & comprehension. Then I put my p… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
If every elected Republican was incarcerated for over 10 years, en masse, without trial or jury, I'm willing to wag… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Man about to cut 66 million people's carotid arteries admits he 'did not quite understand' the brain's reliance on… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
When angry cretins decide they've had enough & want to hurt innocent people in the UK, generally they stand in the… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
In just 1 day, @realDonaldTrump highlights the fact that he's now painted into a corner of the room, with a floor c… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
@PressSec Despite practicing with every breath you've taken since you started this job, you're really not very good… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
A priceless sense of irony. I expect a fair amount of shit to be lost when they find out about the pussy grabbing,… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
This is a desperate man, rapidly losing control of his KFC. It is going to be a rapid, fiery demise. I'm not sure I… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
All the potency of a man with a flaccid micropenis, who knocked back a tiny pack of Gummy Bears with a glass of mil… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Now, more than ever, I am convinced that the slim majority of voters from Texas and Florida all have fathers who ar… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Um...@DonaldJTrumpJr & @EricTrump being the other two, presumably. twitter.com/aterkel/status…
I just got asked by a member of the airport staff if I was from TV. "Yeah man, Mel Brooks!" Mel Brooks is 92.
Just as I thought I had escaped America without being subject to the 21st Century's very own tv-dinner, disposable,… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
...when someone "has nothing else to do" but to whack off to old pictures of their girlfriend. #twat twitter.com/maggieNYT/stat…
Great to see members of the #ACLU today, drumming up support outside @WholeFoods for their efforts in reversing the… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
After posting his song last night, I only go & stroll past my music hero @rufuswainwright (who'll be happy to know… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Benedict Francis #Resist #FBR #FBPE #ABTV #WATON
I realise I should have visited, well before writing this, but I think I was fairly accurate, without doing so - in… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Finally. Apple releases a drunk emoji. Now people will be able to tell if I wrote it drunk or not. (Hint: the for… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
That desperate moment Tina Turner decapitates herself, mounts her head in an ice bucket and demands attention, as e… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
A stark, poignant and accurate take on being that infects us all, known as The Orange One. The music, lyrics & vide… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Congratulations on the promotion, @Nigel_Farage. Couldn't have happened to a more deserving person! You might want… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Dear Every American. Stop selling and eating these. They taste like unperfumed gibbon anus (I imagine). I don't kno… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
For all those who have ever doubted my self-control and resistance to temptation; here is photographic evidence of… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
When your rampantly senile, narcissistic, gay old grandpa gets let loose on social media, having escaped being lock… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Brilliant. Sarcasm didn't work in America. About 20 "cop cars" rally by, sirens a-blazing! Bar dude looks petrified… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
One of the biggest oxymorons on the planet? The U.S. Customs and Border Protection's attitude, sunbathing underneat… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Benedict Francis #Resist #FBR #FBPE #ABTV #WATON
Make sure you don't miss the Hollywood sign, they said. Done and done! To the nearest dispensary, good man!
I've never posted a Tweet from an airplane before. Just flew over American Samoa and I feel as if I should lock mys… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Last day in Australia and I finally managed to get me a picture of a kangaroo and a koala. My job here is done. Now… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Yet another country proves its populous mainly consists of knuckle-dragging imbeciles with voting privilege. Welcom… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Trump, Brexit and the new right-wing world order summed up in a big, fat, fucking ridiculous "the orange prick can'… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
As you thought the @Conservatives can't get any more vapid & oblivious, they announce a commemorative coin to celeb… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
The idea of wine tasting on a post-wedding hangover initially made me do a sickie burp. Walked away with two bottle… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
Fat orange man gives mentally deranged racist a gun then denounces mentally deranged racists with guns. #twat politico.com/story/2018/10/…
Oh no! Where else are Americans going to learn how to put on a crappy Australian/Pakistani accent when trying to po… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
@Radie_ann Yep. Happily, their liquor stores follow exactly the same genetic mutation in size!
Benedict Francis #Resist #FBR #FBPE #ABTV #WATON
I was introduced to a "baby" spider, on my travels to Melbourne yesterday. Baby. Fuck.
"Good people on both sides, folks. You've got the potential innocent murder victims - could be bad, could be good.… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
I imagine it will be quite sobering for the rednecks when they finally realise a white man painted orange has been… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…
@marypat_s @realDonaldTrump Yes. Yes it is! :)
Attention @realDonaldTrump, attention! You have been chosen as the winner of a new toaster. Please come to collect… twitter.com/i/web/status/1…

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