Besides the trivial meanderings of bloggerings herein and thereabouts, I have written screenplays (In Hollywood, Playing Willy) and am putting the finishing touches to my first novel, The Sublime Dramatic; a tale of science fiction, comedy and global conspiracies. News of that will be forthcoming, so please follow me on Twitter/Facebook for more information.

Within the pages here lies a treasure trove of total bollocks.  Why treasure trove? Because bollocks are testicles, which are colloquially known as family jewels - so treasure.  A trove? Well, as you can see from this intro - the trove is as drivelling as it is replete!

An Apology

If I caused you offence with my actions
If I uttered words that made you cry
If I mocked your beliefs or your passions
There’s no-one more sorry than I

If I laughed at your ungainly dancing
If I baulked at your miniature size
If I gave out your number to psychos
Believe I’ve now tears in my eyes

If I slandered your abhorrent singing
And the way that you “play" your guitar
It maybe my jealousy winning
I’m not such a huge superstar

If I scoffed at your stupid convictions
If I scorned your religious beliefs
If I claimed that your bible was fiction
With atonement, I’d like to make peace

If I derided your priesthood as paedos
If I ribbed your desire to touch kids
If I teased your deranged dark libidos
I imagine I got on your tits

If I jeered when you drank all that Stella
And disgraced you for beating your wife
I should have just offered to tell her
It’s all she deserved out of life

Forgive me for pointing and laughing
From now on, it’s live and let live
I hope you find peace everlasting
I hope you find time to forgive

If my apology sounds rather hollow
If my sorrow sounds somehow remiss
If my excuses sound too hard to swallow
Then it’s likely I’m taking the piss

Ode To The Online Test

I took an online test one day
To see what plant I am.
The site it said I was an oak;
So solid where I stand.

I took an online test one day,
As I’m a Downton fan.
It said I was Dame Maggie Smith;
As strong as any man!

I took an online test one day
To find which beast was I.
It said I was a slimy slug.
A tear fell from my eye.

I took an online test one day
To find which superstar
The site would say I had in me.
The answer, Alan Carr?!

I took another online test
To boost my lagging pride.
To find which Doctor Who was I
McCoy!? That can’t be right?

I took another fucking test:
A city that’s for me.
Paris? New York? Singapore?
Nope. Chavton-by-the-Sea.

And yet another online test
To find my social class.
The answer was more working class
Than Danny Dyer’s arse.

Another fucktard online test
To find who next I’d kiss!
Results came in and next in line:
A swift one off the wrist.

I searched and searched for online tests
To guide me on my way.
I took a test, I filled some forms
To pass my empty day.

I understand it’s total bull;
10 questions on a site,
Set by some fat, greasy spod
Who’s never seen day light.

Yet when I find I’ve been defined;
An answer that makes sense!
Fuck my doubts, it’s on Facebook,
I’m telling all my friends!


Sleeping don’t come easy,
Insomnia attacks!
I’ve counted sheep, I’ve had a weep
But still I can’t relax.

Sleeping don’t come simple,
Restlessness invades!
It then devours the wee small hours;
All hope for slumber fades.

Sleeping ain’t so basic
When your mind’s like mine.
A trackless train, a fucked up brain,
Quite tangled by design.

Sleeping ain’t plain sailing
When the hull, it leaks.
A sinking boat that just won’t float
Whilst cruising up shit creek.

“Sleeping”, said The Sandman,
“Is what I give to thee”.
With some affront, the sandy cunt
Forgot to give to me.

So waking is my torture,
I’m feeling quite unwell.
While you all snooze, I sing the blues
And damn you all to Hell!

Do Not Repost

This is a hoax. Please forward to everyone you know to prove how stupid you are. This must stop now. 

Yes, my friends. This is a hoax. I can’t state it any more clearly than that. How do you know it’s a hoax? Firstly, because I said so, but more importantly, because I asked you to forward it to everyone you know. Thirdly, I am the lawyer for the ex-president of Nigeria and want to give you $5m in cleared funds if you give me your bank details, PIN and full access to any savings you may have. Another reason is that I am Bill Gates and want to give you $5,000 for nothing. Because I’m like that. 

What will you get if you do forward it? 

Well, that jackpot prize for the competition you didn’t enter. As a bonus, you will also get a much larger penis and be able to satisfy every woman you ever meet with your 500% increased ejaculation volume. Even if you are a woman. On top of that, your entire Facebook profile will become so private, that even you won’t be able to see it.  Not even Facebook themselves will be able to decipher the posts through the privacy wall that you will install, simply by re-posting this message.  A kind of über-laser-wall of security will wrap up the musings of how far you ran today, mind-blowing photos of what you ate and those adorable pleas for attention through minimal words or emoticons. Sad face :(

How will I know if you have forwarded it on? 

Well the Red Cross email tracking system (that has never existed and will never exist) will spot if you have re-posted this on Facebook or sent it on as an email. You will then be able to work from home for upwards of $3,000 per day for just buying some shitty office equipment from me.

What will happen if you don’t forward this on? 

The results will be catastrophic. A woman will stop at a service station in a place that is spookily close to you, and fill up her car. While she is paying, someone will get into the back seat of her car, wait until she drives away then do some very unspeakable things. As a result, no TV station or news channel will report on it - they will rely on YOU sending this email to your friends because you are stupid and didn’t check on your facts before you did. It’s in the public interest that breaking news stories like this are handled via Facebook. It is also a distinct possibility that Morgan Freeman, Will Smith or Jeff Goldblum will die and have their families announce it via social media, issuing superinjunctions to all credible news sources to prevent obituaries being published before you get a chance to spread the word of their secret demise to your friends.

What can I do afterwards?

After you have finished forwarding this to your friends, feel free to pop out to somewhere like KFC, where you will probably be served by beakless, mutant chickens that have been farmed for their “nothing like a chicken”-like appearance - something that Kentucky Fried Chicken needed to pay heed to when they renamed themselves (under pressure of the law) to Kentucky Fried Beakless Mutated Chicken Things or KFC. I think they made the best choice of the two. If you are more of a MacDonald’s fan, go pick up some chicken nuggets, that started their life as pink ice-cream - or before it hit this hoax public-service announcement, was in fact beef. You could also try clicking on those videos that people post on their Facebook walls that offer a tantalising view of some celebrity’s tits or even a beheading. This will compound the view that you are a porn addicted, gore-obsessed moron by simply reposting said video on your own wall because it is malware, designed to expose you and your habits. 

Will there be another scam that I can forward on after this one? 

Yes indeedy! I have thousands of heart-wrenching stories that I will post about dying children, that I will ask for your help in sending to Disneyland or to maybe even cure them - simply by clicking “Like”. Modern medicine has failed them, but Zuckerberg won’t!

All I ask is that you send this on to your friends, repost or simply “Like” this so other people can stop this practice of making themselves look more gullible than you. All it takes is one person to make a difference.

All Works Copyright © 2017 Benedict Francis

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