Articles in Category: Essayammerings

Thoughts and feelings, dissected and plastered in an attempt to make the world a better place.  I failed.

The T.R.U.M.P. Scale

As I flick through the news, I’m still dumbfounded by the support Mr Trump receives, both in the US and abroad. So, instead of deriding said individual again - I hereby offer his supporters a quick rundown of themselves and how they are viewed, using the T.R.U.M.P. scale.

If you support Donald Trump or repost any of his nonsensical rants in support of his views, with no intention of mocking him, you are:

Thick: Straight off the bat. You are stupid, you have no intelligence and your IQ is that of a badger. And that’s demeaning to badgers. No one, with even the slightest sense, could consider giving this man the time of day, let alone control of a super-power and its nuclear arsenal.

Racist: You already know that, which is why you support him - but this is to let you know, everyone else knows it too. You may as well put on your white robes and go burn someone with less than porcelain skin on a crucifix now - it’s that obvious. Try to hide it with any excuse; support for the policies that you are trying to push ahead of the racist card don’t cover up the fact that you are simply a bigoted moron.

Ugly: Probably physically as well as emotionally, considering your genes are of such low, inbred quality. Everyone you publicise your support of Trump and his policies to look upon your mentality in pure disgust. You repulse and offend everyone who isn’t part of the genetic sludge you try so very hard to cling to.

Minority: Believe it or not, despite the fact he has a few people baying for blood at his disorganised rallies, you and your fellow supporters are in the minority. When the three-legged egg and spoon race suddenly throws its contenders into the Olympics to compete against fully trained athletes, you will soon realise that you are pretty much alone in this world. Not even your hatred will comfort you any more.

Pointless: Pretty much the most salient point. Your life hitherto has been pointless. Of no worth to the planet. Your views and opinions are that of an extinct species. Subhuman and reviled. You will slip away into the abyss with having made no impact on the world, apart from annoying its current populous. You are good for nothing, bootless and a waste of oxygen. Do something worthwhile with your life. End it.

Breaking News: OED Updates “Fact” and “Fiction” Definitions

In a startling turn of events, it transpires that all Leave campaigners in the UK EU Referendum do in fact know better than most leading industry experts, the majority of all governments, the world’s greatest scientific minds and all proven statistics. Due to this startling discovery, The Oxford English English Dictionary has announced that is will be issuing an emergency edition of its tome in order to correct and reverse the definitions of the English words “Fact” and “Fiction”.

Spokesperson for Oxford University Press, Quentin Wordybottom, said: “These two words have been used throughout English literature for centuries without anyone questioning the validity of their given definitions. For years, the OED also followed suit, printing and reprinting, issuing and re-issuing, circulating and re-circulating the scurrilous lies and propaganda that Fact meant ‘a thing that is known or proved to be true’ and the definition of Fiction as ‘something that is invented or untrue’. It was obviously a complete surprise to all here at Oxford University Press and we will be undertaking a series of crisis sessions to look at the publication in its entirety. The word “Dictionary” itself will even come under the scrutiny of some of the world’s leading linguists (most of whom were also proven wrong by the Brexiters). We can only apologise to the international English-speaking community and thank those involved in the Leave campaign for knowing far better than the elite minds on this planet.”

Our top reporter, Olive Complexión, was unable to elicit a response from the office of Vote Leave. However, our junior runner, Aryan White, was able to secure a day long meeting with any senior figure she requested. Wayne Agrosmith, Deputy Hangman of the Vote Leave Campaign Committee (and self-proclaimed Earl of New Wessex), said: “We were fucking fed up of fucking being fucking portrayed as fucking narrow-minded, fucking unebducated [sic] fucking angry fucking xenophobes. Now, the fucking OED has made every fucking one fucking realise we are fucking right. Fuck the statistics, fuck the scientists and fuck everyone who had a clearer fucking understanding than the fucking Brexiters. We’re not fucking angry. We’re not fucking impeciles [sic] and we’re not fucking racist. Hang on a fucking moment. Aryan? Thats’ a fucking Kraut name isn’t it…?”. Mr Agrosmith refused to make any further comment and retired to his private decontamination suite.

Later in the day, our runner met up with Mr Agrosmith, but this time wearing a badge with “Hello, my name is…Elspeth Englishflower” written in marker pen. The now flirtatious and slightly calmer Mr Agrosmith continued: “It’s like we’ve been victimised by fucking foreigners. What the fuck does Bill fucking Gates know about the English political system? He invented the iPhone, what does he know? Apple? Fuck Apple! The British invented apples. Cox, Braeburn, French Golden Delicious - all fucking British. Fucking apple, my arse! And don’t get me started on that Branson fuck. He knows nothing about British industry. Virgin? Virgin Mary! And she was fucking Jewish.”

He continued, “The proof is out there. Look, it’s fucking pissing down. Good old fucking British weather. None of this European, EU, namby-pamby, sunny weather like we’ve had over the last few years. Fucking first day of fucking summer and it’s fucking pissing cats and dogs. Like back in the good old days when Britain was Britain. Women had no right to vote and we didn’t need to pay them as much as we do now. They could walk the streets without being raped by fucking immigrants and only had to deal with British fucking oppression. No fucking EU mandates to mess with our way of life or fucking weather! Seriously, if you can give me just one fucking reason why Brexit is a bad idea, I’d be tempted to change my mind - but you can’t!”

Having been handed a file full of testament, statistics and detailed historical data and predicted financial analyses by the most respected minds on the planet advising firmly and solidly against the UK leaving the EU, Mr Agrosmith closed his eyes and attempted to blindly throw it all into his log fire and retorted: “See, you’ve got fucking nothing!”

When questioned about the increasing feeling that fear-mongering about immigration and the replication of Nazi propaganda by one of his most prominent campaigners, Nigel Farage, leading to violence, terrorism and hate-crimes being committed in the name of Britain, Mr Agrosmith pointed at a large gold-framed picture of a vast queue of migrants crossing the Croatia-Slovenia border in 2015 - looking almost identical to a film produced by the Nazis in the second world war and aired by the BBC in a documentary in 2005, with the only prominent white person in the photograph obscured by a box of text, and whispered “terrorists are fucking foreign!”.

“It’s not our fucking fault if the small minority of our supporters are prepared to listen to our hate, vitriol, assumptions about fucking shit and go out and campaign slightly more fucking forcefully than the majority of us are fucking prepared to. It’s a democracy, it’s their fucking decision. You want to talk about victims of hate? Nigel Farage! Everybody fucking hates that fucker. Even those that support him, every fucking one! Everybody fucking hates Nigel Farage. You think that’s fucking fair? After all he’s done to settle the campaign and keep things totally anti-fucking-hate! Poor fucker! I can’t stand the fuck-jockey!”.

When pressed about how he was now going to present the Leave campaign’s “facts”, in light of the decision by Oxford University Press to revise the definition of the word, Mr Agrosmith concluded: “to be honest sugar-tits, everything we have presented to date has been fucking fiction. Get it - all of it, fucking fiction. Every last fucking word! Even the financial markets that drastically fall every time it looks as if we will leave the EU and then sharply rise if it looks like we are going to stay - they are all FACTUAL! You can’t get any more factual that actual fucking figures. The Remain bastards have been claiming to be factual, well now all the world can see what fuck-muppets they really are. Fucking telling the truth fuck-merchants. No time for that bullshit here. Vote Leave. Believe the fucking fiction! And, if it goes tits-up, well we can all vote again next year. It’s not like it’s permanent or anything.”

Nothing Compares To EU

To all the people living in the UK as an immigrant or new national,

I’m writing this what started to be brief note, but then turned into a novelette, to you all so that I may make some sort of heart-felt apology for a seemingly large section of this ever-growing horrible society of ours. 

The EU Referendum has become a hot bed of angry vitriol. One side bellowing and screaming “Leave”, the others, more reservedly and too quietly whispering “Remain”. I (as an all inclusive, “let’s all stay in this thing together” kinda guy) do not count myself as reserved or too quiet, as I like to rattle the Boris Johnson camp’s cages and satirise the single-minded foolishness of their campaign. Prodding them with accusations of xenophobia and angry fear mongering, so that they will respond in an angry, fear-mongering way. It’s all too easy and something the rest of my liberal compadres should consider doing in this final sprint to one of the most important votes in recent British history (since the last time this bullshit was raised in 1975). 

My apology is to my past, present and future friends from other EU countries who have chosen to make Britain their home. My apology is to my wife, who I love dearly, but I have to stand ashamed in front of every morning. Not ashamed for the usual reasons either! Ashamed for the sentiment and behaviour of other people that I share my nationality with. Comprehensively contrite and abundantly ashamed.

I’ve spent the last couple of months, just as my opposite campaigners have, blasting the other side. Or, as a friend put it, kicking the players and not the ball. But, as is always the way (but more so on this occasion), I feel I have every right to kick the eurosceptic players - as the majority of whom are in need of a good kicking. I’ll not be so biased to proclaim that all the Remain campaigners are whiter than white (don’t get excited Brexiters, there’s no such thing), it’s just that the vast force behind the misinformation and violent, aggressive thrust of the Leave party stems from xenophobia, aggression, anger, ignorance and blind panic. Fact. All thoroughly researched and based in truth (but those screaming “I’m a CeleBrit, Get Me Out of Here!” rarely do research - they just read what they need to in order to justify their misconceptions). The racists will proclaim “shout racist and you lose the argument”. Sorry, every racist says that. The educated will say, “I have an education”. Sorry, you may do, but you’ve been stupid enough to be duped by the cretins like Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Nigel Farage. Not much of an education is it. Accusations of anger and aggression is pretty always denied with vast displays of anger and aggression.  I started to collate facts and figures to make my argument, but figured it would be easier to just give you the entire book with everything neatly laid out for you:

There are those of course that do not fit the mould. There are huge numbers of non-racist people playing the part of a Brexiter. But they’ve been feeble minded enough to wave their flags alongside the racist majority. There are a small array of intelligent people in the Leave party who are fearful enough of foreigners to wave their banners alongside the ignorant majority. There are an even smaller amount of peaceful and placid people so blind that they stand alongside the boorish masses.  

Far too many times do I hear apostles of Farage and Johnson raising support for the likes of Trump (even voicing positive words for the vile harridan Katie Hopkins who personifies the Brexit campaign in each objectionable breath). This in itself is reason to not only walk away from any propaganda they produce (Brexit: The Movie - made by the same guy who brought us the universally debunked The Great Global Warming Swindle) and should be enough to make them a ridiculed adjunct of society that has no place to shout about anything outside of the care homes that they belong in.

But, the fact remains, they all want to simultaneously handshake you “jolly foreigners” for bolstering the economy of this land with one hand, whilst slamming the door in your face with the other.  They will break bread and drink imported wine with you, whilst cursing the land that brought them the wine and the waiters that brought them the bread and celebrate the immigrants that made it to the top and . The hypocrisy of the Exit campaigners leaves a more vile taste in my mouth than English wine or the self-imposed unemployed British folk watching Neighbours and blaming their misfortune on immigrants. However, as is the case with pretty much every argument that the Leave clique present, none of this is true: It is, in fact, all a lie.  To bolster the other agendas.

I have spent a lot of the last few months doing my bit to try and joke about the mentality of the people that are threatening to destroy the future of this country by leaving the EU and, as is my way, I try to pack a few punches into fairly short Facebook or Twitter updates;  Perhaps using words like “stupid”, “old”, “colonial” or “Nazi”. Of course I don’t think they are Nazis.  Not all of them anyway. But, the evidence has shown in research -

  • MOST Leave campaigners are OLD: These people are acting on there preconceived, Alf Garnett ideas of immigrants - a gut instinct based on out-dated and offensive values and ideals that will cripple the future of OUR children.
  • MOST Leave campaigners are UNEDUCATED: The majority of people who will be voting  Remain are EDUCATED.  It takes little more than a nursery education to see that if two people making a decision, the educated one is going to be the one to go with.  But, as MOST Brexcretia are uneducated, they don’t seem to see that.
  • MOST Leave campaigners are UKIP supporters. Now, I’m going to  say it and this will rile a lot of the supporters of Farage - but UKIP is undeniably and factually a RACIST party.  It takes little more than a Google search to find their past manifestos, party affiliations and media soundbites to prove that.  The angry Exit crew will of course make no such research and accuse me of spreading vile rumours. So, take a look for yourself. Recent manifesto quote: “Our traditional values have been undermined. Children are taught to be ashamed of our past. Multiculturalism has split our society. Political correctness is stifling free speech”. From the UKIP “Pocket Guide to Immigration” where they promise to “end support for multiculturalism and promote one, common British culture”. It goes on and on. So, this has to read: MOST Leave Campaigners are RACIST.

Some of the few people I know (let me stress few, as I rarely hang round in such crowds) are firm Brexit campaigners.  Blindly re-posting claims of a bleak future in the EU (let’s not forget Nigel Farage’s implication that if you vote remain, you will be raped -, trigger-happy with the “statistics” that are made up by the moronic marauders - and I, despite probably losing a few of these people as friends recently, have never accused them of the above.  However, I do accuse them of associating themselves with a grotesquely abhorrent movement, without opening their eyes and seeing what they are associating themselves with. So, they may not be, but they should feel shame and humiliation to freely associate themselves with those who are. 

Most of the people who get offended who don’t know me, eg the Twitterverse when I post a slightly edited Ballot Paper (, reply with angry denial or drivel such as: 

Ben Hansen Hicks ‏@benhansenhicks 
@benfrancis Jesus. Too far?

Reply: If it didn’t offend you so much as to make you shit your pants, not far enough.

Antonio Danbareass ‏@Danbareass
@benfrancis @iVoteStay You must be a complete pillock. Do you want to queue behind immigrants for housing/NHS/state education/low paid job?

Reply: Having spent most of my life waiting  to queue up for a low paid job, I find it remarkable that immigrants would beat me to it (note: sarcasm intended)

Now, having stepped outside the queue for low paid jobs: I’m sure you’re all in that queue right now; or for the state education - I had no idea that there was a queue - I feel stupid right now! How can anyone be so fucking blind to think that this is even a thing; look at the facts! None of this is even slightly true! Nothing! None of it! Why are these people even being so bloody ridiculous. Because: they want to blame everything on all but themselves. Nothing is their fault. Nothing they will ever admit to is their own volition. Nothing. Why? You tell me! 

Too many people use the EU as a punchbag - blaming it for all of the countries woes. Get over it - rarely is the EU to blame for your job situation or your personal failings. The EU brings stability and peace between it’s member states. Then of course, there are the truly obscene and ignorant people - “We must leave the EU to stop all those Syrian refugees”  I can’t quite explain how incensed that kind of idiotic statement makes me. 

I understand this is a fairly ill-structured rant and I also understand that this is an entirely one sided take on our life in the EU - but, for the love of anything you hold dear, please don’t let your vote count for nothing. 

The EU is not a prefect governing body. We all know that.  But, which governing body is?  There is no government on the planet that has been or will ever be the utopian rulers we would all desire. But, the isolated British government, most probably run by clowns and fools like Farage or Johnson is every educated person’s idea of Dante’s Inferno and can’t be the thing truly intelligent people are after? 

The emotional “destruct” button the Brexit bandits are going to push (and it is simply an irrational and emotional, not educated choice:—and/) is one that the silent Remain voters simply must fight to disable.  

My apology to the EU nationals must also extend to the behaviour and silence of those who will be sensibly and quietly voting Remain.  The urgency to stand up and shout about their beliefs seems to have passed them by and they, in their silence, are doing little to stem the wave of destruction that the Brexit horde desire.  As much as I would desire them all to start to undermine the Suicide Squad with nothing more than facts and raising their voices, I can’t see this happening.  Most of us lefties are far to reserved for that kind of thing.  As you can tell, I am not.  

And, as I am apologising for most of the country, I should also say sorry for those sitting on the fence.  The agnostics amongst us have the power to ensure that we don’t end up being the isolated laughing stock of the world and mirror the inexorable Trump debacle in the US.  I implore them to jump off said fence into the garden of intelligent reason and ensure we don’t make one of the biggest blunders in British history.

If I have offended any Brexcrement by accusation - I’m glad. If I haven’t, and you have read any of my commentary herein or before, read harder.

My apology is to my friends. My apology is to some of the most wonderful people I’ve met in my life. My apology is to those people from Austria, Belgium, Bulgaria, Croatia, Republic of Cyprus, Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Ireland, Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Malta, Netherlands, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain and Sweden - to those that have chosen to make their place in the UK. My apology is to the beautiful people that chose this now seemingly hideous isle to make your home. I am truly sorry. 

I wish that one day you will sit in our small isle and not judge us all by the small minded people that make us look as such. 

Welcome and I hope we will continue to be part of this not-so-perfect, but better than the alternative, union.

Answering the Spammers (part 2)

My lucky day. Got bored - so I replied again. This could be the one…!
On 17 Feb 2016, at 09:32, Don Garcia <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.> wrote:

Attention: Sir/Madam

RE:Second Notification of Request.

I am a personal attorney to late Mrs. Claudia and I hereby once again write to notify you through this means as my earlier Email returned undelivered. 

I wish to notify you that my late client Mrs. Claudia according to the contractual agreement made you the Heir/Inheritor to the deposit she had with Storage Company in South-Africa.Before her untimely death,she deposited a huge amount of money with a storage company. 

Being a widely traveled woman and relative of yours,I believed that both of you must have been in contact with each other in the past and she simply decided to surprise you with inheritance of the deposit.Mrs. Claudia until her death was a crude oil businesswoman, contractor, member of the Helicopter Society and the Institute of Electronic & Electrical Engineers. She was a very dedicated Religious person who has much passion for the less privileged. Her great philanthropy earned her numerous awards during her life time.

She died on the 2nd day of August 2010 at the age of 52 years. The storage company has issued me a notice as a witness and personal attorney to the deceased at the time of deposit to contact you as the Heir/Inheritor for immediate withdrawal. Otherwise, the deposit would be moved over to the government bonded warehouse as unclaimed or abandoned property.All the legal documents that will back up the claim of deposit are with me hence I require your cooperation to procure and present the affidavit of claim/inheritor to the storage company in order to get the fund retrieved in your favor.

This is not in any way illegal; because as an Attorney, I have made all the enquiries on South African Property/Fund Inheritance Release and I found out that according to the South-African Inheritance by law, all we need do is to identify you as the person stipulated in the contractual agreement and deposit certificate as the Heir/Inheritor.Thereafter, the storage company will automatically release the fund to you. As an attorney to the deceased, I guarantee the successful execution of this transaction because of my relationship with late Mrs. Claudia.

In order to accelerate the processes, I will like you to quickly response back to enable me provide you with more details and relevant documents that will be needed from the storage company immediately and finally schedule a visit with you to the Storage Company.

Lastly, we shall agree on my own percentage upon your final claim and withdrawal of the deposit.

Yours in service.



Dear Mr Garcia

I am writing to thank you for your email dated 17 February, reminding me of the untimely passing of my Great Aunt Claudia - or simply Mrs Claudia as she was known to you and I on more formal occasions (or when we we were working on the plantations with Solomon - that dude that looked like Chiwetel Ejiofor).

Firstly, I would like to apologise that you needed to send me a Second Notification of Request. As was widely travelled Great Aunty Claudia (Mrs Claudia) before her sudden death, I too am a crude oil business person. We both like to think of ourselves as simply oil business people, but far too many times were we both chastised by Great Uncle Werner for effin’n’jeffin’ at oil prices. “Fuck me, that bollocking oil is pricey today” she used to scream at the top of her voice. “Soapy tit wanks Mrs Claudia, why are you always so twatting foul-mouthed?”, I used to holler back. Such fun we used to have. Hence, with this profane and crude business of ours, time is quite limited. So, once again, please accept my most sincere apologies.

As you are probably aware, one of the reasons I lost contact with Great Aunty-plops Claudia (Mrs. Claudia), was that - despite promising to leave me her entire fortune (or a deposit thereof) - she only ever knew me as Sir/Madam. One of the great difficulties you must have had in writing to me, was referring to me as such; assuming that I would simply cast your note aside. But alas, this is what she insisted on calling me. For reference, my name is Eugène (yes, a Dutch name - proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am indeed South African and therefore, biologically and legally, her great nephew).

Being an attorney, you will understand my nervousness about replying to letters like this, but when you accurately specified that the deposit in the storage company was “huge”, I knew this letter was from someone of great legal standing - as you were aware that being so precise would prove to me your legal status and underline this message as being the real deal. I went through all our crude oil business statements, ran them through Sage, reconciled and printed the sums out. Grand total, before tax evasion: “Huge”. On top of that, you referred to Mrs Claudia being your late client. Shit the bed, if that doesn’t sound like the real Mrs Claudia, I don’t know what does! Always bloody late for everything.

Anyhoo, I digress. Thank you for pointing out that the money-laundering exercise you are proposing with a stranger (using my money I hope) is not in any way illegal. I was concerned to start with, but when you laid it out like that, my fears were put to rest. You pointed out that, as an attorney, you didn’t know the legalities to start with - but then made the necessary investigation and cleared it all up in your own mind and, thereafter, in mine. 

So, what do I need to send you to arrange this trip to the storage company? I would very much like to help you withdraw the deposit that was made and explore the relationship you said you had with the late Mrs Claudia (dude, enough with the ‘late’ jibes all the time - she’s dead!)

Yours in equal service,
Eugène T’Blanche

P.S. Don D. Garcia? First name Donald…middle name Duck…? Please say yes.

P.P.S. Did you fuck my great aunty?

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