Answering the Spammers (part 2)

My lucky day. Got bored - so I replied again. This could be the one…!
On 17 Feb 2016, at 09:32, Don Garcia <This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.> wrote:

Attention: Sir/Madam

RE:Second Notification of Request.

I am a personal attorney to late Mrs. Claudia and I hereby once again write to notify you through this means as my earlier Email returned undelivered. 

I wish to notify you that my late client Mrs. Claudia according to the contractual agreement made you the Heir/Inheritor to the deposit she had with Storage Company in South-Africa.Before her untimely death,she deposited a huge amount of money with a storage company. 

Being a widely traveled woman and relative of yours,I believed that both of you must have been in contact with each other in the past and she simply decided to surprise you with inheritance of the deposit.Mrs. Claudia until her death was a crude oil businesswoman, contractor, member of the Helicopter Society and the Institute of Electronic & Electrical Engineers. She was a very dedicated Religious person who has much passion for the less privileged. Her great philanthropy earned her numerous awards during her life time.

She died on the 2nd day of August 2010 at the age of 52 years. The storage company has issued me a notice as a witness and personal attorney to the deceased at the time of deposit to contact you as the Heir/Inheritor for immediate withdrawal. Otherwise, the deposit would be moved over to the government bonded warehouse as unclaimed or abandoned property.All the legal documents that will back up the claim of deposit are with me hence I require your cooperation to procure and present the affidavit of claim/inheritor to the storage company in order to get the fund retrieved in your favor.

This is not in any way illegal; because as an Attorney, I have made all the enquiries on South African Property/Fund Inheritance Release and I found out that according to the South-African Inheritance by law, all we need do is to identify you as the person stipulated in the contractual agreement and deposit certificate as the Heir/Inheritor.Thereafter, the storage company will automatically release the fund to you. As an attorney to the deceased, I guarantee the successful execution of this transaction because of my relationship with late Mrs. Claudia.

In order to accelerate the processes, I will like you to quickly response back to enable me provide you with more details and relevant documents that will be needed from the storage company immediately and finally schedule a visit with you to the Storage Company.

Lastly, we shall agree on my own percentage upon your final claim and withdrawal of the deposit.

Yours in service.



Dear Mr Garcia

I am writing to thank you for your email dated 17 February, reminding me of the untimely passing of my Great Aunt Claudia - or simply Mrs Claudia as she was known to you and I on more formal occasions (or when we we were working on the plantations with Solomon - that dude that looked like Chiwetel Ejiofor).

Firstly, I would like to apologise that you needed to send me a Second Notification of Request. As was widely travelled Great Aunty Claudia (Mrs Claudia) before her sudden death, I too am a crude oil business person. We both like to think of ourselves as simply oil business people, but far too many times were we both chastised by Great Uncle Werner for effin’n’jeffin’ at oil prices. “Fuck me, that bollocking oil is pricey today” she used to scream at the top of her voice. “Soapy tit wanks Mrs Claudia, why are you always so twatting foul-mouthed?”, I used to holler back. Such fun we used to have. Hence, with this profane and crude business of ours, time is quite limited. So, once again, please accept my most sincere apologies.

As you are probably aware, one of the reasons I lost contact with Great Aunty-plops Claudia (Mrs. Claudia), was that - despite promising to leave me her entire fortune (or a deposit thereof) - she only ever knew me as Sir/Madam. One of the great difficulties you must have had in writing to me, was referring to me as such; assuming that I would simply cast your note aside. But alas, this is what she insisted on calling me. For reference, my name is Eugène (yes, a Dutch name - proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am indeed South African and therefore, biologically and legally, her great nephew).

Being an attorney, you will understand my nervousness about replying to letters like this, but when you accurately specified that the deposit in the storage company was “huge”, I knew this letter was from someone of great legal standing - as you were aware that being so precise would prove to me your legal status and underline this message as being the real deal. I went through all our crude oil business statements, ran them through Sage, reconciled and printed the sums out. Grand total, before tax evasion: “Huge”. On top of that, you referred to Mrs Claudia being your late client. Shit the bed, if that doesn’t sound like the real Mrs Claudia, I don’t know what does! Always bloody late for everything.

Anyhoo, I digress. Thank you for pointing out that the money-laundering exercise you are proposing with a stranger (using my money I hope) is not in any way illegal. I was concerned to start with, but when you laid it out like that, my fears were put to rest. You pointed out that, as an attorney, you didn’t know the legalities to start with - but then made the necessary investigation and cleared it all up in your own mind and, thereafter, in mine. 

So, what do I need to send you to arrange this trip to the storage company? I would very much like to help you withdraw the deposit that was made and explore the relationship you said you had with the late Mrs Claudia (dude, enough with the ‘late’ jibes all the time - she’s dead!)

Yours in equal service,
Eugène T’Blanche

P.S. Don D. Garcia? First name Donald…middle name Duck…? Please say yes.

P.P.S. Did you fuck my great aunty?

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Benedict Francis

Benedict Francis

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